Plot Fix: Barbarians Episode 1, "Wolf and Eagle"

The military diversity from roughly 400 BC to 100 AD has been of particular interest to me since I was a child. Rather recently, I started an Instagram page to share my knowledge about this period and engage with an interested community.

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Weeks ago, I was excited by the prospect of a big-budget retelling of the Battle of Teutoberg Forest.

Fantastic? Meh. Worth a watch for someone into ancient military history? For sure.

I’ll start with what I like before offering things I would have changed.

----Spoilers!---

Rating: 6 out of 10 hard-to-find eagles

🙌The Good:

1) I mentioned this before, but I really, really like bilingual scripts (especially when they’re using Latin) ! I think this shows a lot of forethought, bravo Netflix!

2) Also, bravo to the actors for learning a dead language!

3) Good set-design, wardrobe, props. The aesthetic feels appropriately dingey.

4) The pacing is pretty decent; The story moves along at a good clip.

? The Questions ?

I can't find sources for ritualistically “Kissing the Eagle”, and I’m not sure if it existed. Aesthetically, it seems to fit to some extent, and seems appropriately humiliating.

—Ahistorical, but not a problem—

The relationship between Varus and Arminius was not that of a father and son. Varus did not adopt Arminius as a child, but I understand the need to have a “Competing Fathers” sub-plot.

👎The Bad:

1) Germanic peoples did not need non-Germans to tell them they were German. “German” is, and continues to be, an exonym (ie, a name given by an outside group). They understood themselves to be part of the same ethnicity, that’s why they are speaking the same mutually intelligible language as their native tongues.

To dive into etymology, “Teut-” probably comes from “people”/“nation” giving us “Teuton”, “Deutsch”, “Dutch”, and the name “Theoden” from Lord of the Rings. There would be no debate with the prompt “Are we the same ethnicity?” They should have simply called each other something related to this.

2) Romans were known for their swift and brutal corporal punishment, but it’s near impossible to #behead someone with a horizontal stroke when both of their arms are being held and not hit the holders. Just have him tied and placed against something to be beheaded.


3) If four misfits could sneak into a Roman Camp that easily, there would be no empire. Two huge security breaches. Like, you’re not even going to check for weapons? As for killing the guards: People scream instinctually when they’re attacked and ESPECIALLY when they know they can get help.

Also, if one swims through raw sewage, they will get violently ill and maybe die. Salmonella, E.coli, botulism on the menu ☣️

More realistic/safe: They sneak in through a supply cart or pretend to be some Germanic auxilia. They could maybe also disguise themselves as Romans by shaving and getting a haircut. That would have been great.

4) If you’re going to set fire to something, one should not set it away from where you’re supposed to be going. It looks hyper suspicious. Also, it shouldn’t be toward the the very important, shiny thing you just stole. Following an emergency that like, the camp would be on lockdown; entry and exit would be difficult. Strolling out of the camp like it’s Ocean’s 11 = Pretty corny.

Better: Bringing something flammable and setting fire to the tent of the two other legionnaires killed would cause enough panic. On the exit, there might be some killing of guards involved.

5) Sneaking out of a camp, and then parading the quasi-sacred thing you just stole in front of hundreds of people is one thing. Not running for your life is quite the other. Everyone understood the consequences of this crime. There is already a man of high rank that has kissed the thing as a sign of submission. Word will travel fast, and bad consequences will follow. This is short-sighted and, especially for a people you have already felt loss and know of the Romans’ prowess, very illogical. The obvious choice is to keep it hidden.

“Yay! I got us all a death coupon!”

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If you like this, you might also like: “Plot Fix: Barbarians Episode 2”

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PS: Some honesty from my friend German friend Björn:

“As a German native speaker, I am not sure if I will be able to survive the whole show 😂 The whole cast (at least from that episode) spoke and behaved like they were all from the deepest coal mines of Northrine-Westphalia🤦🏻‍♂️ Let your wife explain ‘Ruhrpott Assis’ to you 🤣”